She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
