Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
