so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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