See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
