My entire life is one complicated drinking game
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
