i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
