I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize