If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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