so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's never too late to be topless.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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