I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We need to rekindle our bromance
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
