turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
