Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
