I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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