oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
