Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
