I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
