Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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