All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
