the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
