Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
