does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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