Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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