Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I puked a lego.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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