I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
