If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
