She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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