If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
