dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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