What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
