just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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