Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I have aggressive nipples.
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