My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
