Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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