I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
