pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
