They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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