My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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