dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
you made out with another girl for some wings
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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