peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
