Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
