Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
