p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
