Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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