i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
