She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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