I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
