My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
