Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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