it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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