Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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