she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
