i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
