I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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