So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
