I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
