Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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